scar tissue

Why is saying farewell so complicated?  Adults should be prepared for the sentiment.  We know that other people will die and eventually we will too.  We know that our children grow up and become independent.  We know that our pets, in most cases, will say farewell to us long before we are prepared to say it to them. Despite our knowledge of the aforementioned truths we find ourselves clamoring for answers when the inevitable, inevitably occurs.  I am perplexed with the phenomenon of mourning, be it in relation to death, or to growth,  or to what can be expected from the generally accepted notion of the natural order of things.  I am not exempt from an inclination to those feelings,  the absolute contrary is true, my conundrum is the product of navigating those very things.  Why is detachment so much more difficult than attaching,  why can't the lessons we learned from our first broken heart...that whole first cut is the deepest perspective, translate to parental relationships, friendships and everything in between?  Must we really arrive at a place where rejection or abandonment is the expectation to guard our ego and when we do are we ever able to believe in love again? Or as spiritual beings and believers in a higher power should we face every encounter with fresh eyes and open hearts, isnt failing to do so  underminding our own divinity and the absolute truth of grace. Why can we not simply digest that farewell is necessary why can't we compartmentalize the difference between someone choosing a life without us and someone who has left us because there was no other choice to make.  I've come to realize that grief feels much like an extension of abandonment, I feel like this is a fair assumption, in my observation of it anyway.  I began writing this just prior to the anniversary of my husband's father's death and I'm currently revising it 6 months after my little brother's passing, which happened to occur on the anniversary of my father in laws death.  Both deaths were very different in almost every way but I've observed consistencies in relation to the grieving process.  One of the common denominators is guilt.  Unresolved issues, lack of closure...this realization delivered me to a place where I began to relate mourning to grieving.  When one mourns the loss of a relationship, guilt and self doubt is a prominent and reoccurring theme, so much so that children abandoned by their parents and spouses who feel discarded could spend a lifetime in therapy trying to recover their self worth, death seems to excuse us from some of this as there is no possibility of reconciliation, however, one finds themselves questioning the ratio of love to, well, anything not derived from love (resentment, anger, apathy, impatience) when examining their relationship to the party that left.  This is the same feeling that is generally par for the course at the end of a relationship, it doesn't matter if it's friendly, familiar, or romantic.  One initially blames circumstance, as if it will exempt them from feeling all of the trauma, but eventually, slowly and surely, the subconscious allows insecurities and doubt to dictate the narrative.  Eventually one has to consider themselves and their contributions to the relationship...this is where the end of a relationship with someone who goes on living and the end of a relationship with someone who does not can begin to resemble each other. Recognizing the idea that when someone leaves generally has very little to do with what you could have done differently and more to do with their personal experience can be very liberating.  Being left to sit with your regrets, your less than enlightening correspondence, your ego driven expectations and doubts is therapy if you choose analyze it and it draws a sort of line in the sand between life and death.  People in need if therapy for the loss of someone who is still alive should simply view it like death.  In this walk, in this reality, the connection wasn't sustainable but perhaps in a different situation things would work out in a more favorable way, or perhaps in the next realm or experience you avoid each other completely,  either way viewing it it as a loss that can't be reconciled may cause you to examine your own inner workings and the way you contribute to the world and force you to do the necessary work on yourself, all by yourself, this is the way that grieving folks have to heal. Eventually the grief stricken chalk it up to painful lessons learned and then they either move forward or they accept that a reality that doesn't include their beloved is one they'll never accept, either revelation is a decision that dictates the story of their life from that point forward. No matter what you think or how you feel about your abandonment the situation that your facing occurred despite your perceptions, it occurred despite your expectations and it occurred because you can only maintain control of your own life, no one elses.  In this way grieving truly makes you a super hero.  You learn to live without someone or something you didn't choose to live without.  Your grief brought you back to YOU.  Grief, this new enlightened state,  this new impossibility redefines what is actually possible.  It teaches us that regrets and remorse, resentment and practicality in relationships are purely a personal experience and that any perceived unity in the experience is just a contrived expectation because we want to believe we aren't alone, we don't want to be solely accountable.  Good news is, we aren't alone.  God is real and he is everywhere, he is grief he is all of the possibility encompassing the impossibility of it. Bad news is human relationships are predestined to fail. It may occur In life or in death.  No action in your lifetime will deliver you from inevitable defeat. Given this non negotiable truth, one would be well advised to treasure their time with people who enrich their life but to also be grounded in their individuality. At the end of the day you are human, your experience is fully your own, as much as you want to share it regardless if you choose very wisely those you allow your experience to run parallel to, it will always be that.  A parallel line that never intersects, you have no control over the lines running parallel to yours, you actually have only limited control of your own line. Fate controls the end of that line, not you.  It doesn't matter how that line running parallel to yours ends.  Walk the line, hold hands with folks walking next you while you have the opportunity to enduldge and or endure that connection, plant flowers of memories and trees of tradition, create new lines through legacies and celebrate the new parallel lines that are created through children and extended family because you line will end too but you can recoice in the trails you blazed prior to your departure. You can rejoice that it was  a path you laid knowing only you could leave because your line always just ran parallel even when you thought it wasn't your walk alone. Human nature will always have us wondering what we could have done differently, how we could have changed the trajectory of our relationship and we should sit with those uncomfortable questions  we, however, should seek answers to those questions with only with the intention of shaping our future, not with regret or hope of rewriting our past.

 

Immunizations. Yikes. Here we go.

Parenting is hard.  It is so hard.  I'm aware that it's very cliche to write that in a parenting blog but it's the truth.  When God suddenly charges you with the well being and survival of a small human being and you alone are responsible for their care and development, even the most laid back parent is bombarded with conflicted decisions and personal judgment calls.  The judgement call I'm going to address in this article is probably the most controversial topic I will ever address.  Anyone who knows, or is even acquainted with me knows that I am somewhat apolitical.  I dont want to talk politics with you I dont think any more or less of you if your a liberal or a conservative, I dont give a hoot if you feel compelled to label yourself as a Democrat or a Republican.  This is my blog, thus, my personal opinions and research.  The only quantifiable value in my opinions is my own research which can be argued to be bias or cynical I fervently welcome and encourage every mother to research these topics on your own because, in my opinion, the determining factor in your family's well being is you.  I intend only to present my personal research as a point of reference, or maybe a a different spin on things for your consideration.  I am by no means an authority on anything ( outside of my own home anyway). I would have probably never written about anything like what I will write on this evening if I hadn't felt moved to by the events in my own realm of existence these days.  So I'll get to it, consider this introduction my disclosure, an admission (if you will) that this is merely the meandering of a modern housewife.

A young woman and first time mother with whom I am well acquainted called me this morning.  Her precious child is the picture of health, every milestone being hit right on time and with enthusiastic gusto.  The biggest hurdle she's been faced with has been chronic ear infections.  I am able to offer insight on alot of parenting conundrums, things like sleep training, constipation, colic, breastfeeding and the like, yet I never had to deal with ear infections,  not once until last year in my four year old.  I am able to offer advise based on my own experience, the personal wisdom that I have acquired from the esteemed school of hard knocks, reinforced four times over by my experience with each of my four children.  In the past this young mother and I had discussed our views on vaccinations, a huge hot button issue.  In the interest of honesty and complete transparency, I am not a fan.  I make that statement carefully as, just like any other mother, I certainly am not interested in one of my children contracting a God awful disease that could have been prevented thru scheduled immunizations.   I cant say that I am opposed to the idea of immunization entirely, my personal stance was that I wanted to hold off until I could gauge my children's reaction to the shots and really decipher beyond even a shadow of a doubt if something had regressed socially or developmentally, I wish I were strong enough or committed enough to my own reluctance to stand against vaccines completely, however it is not an easy thing to ask yourself with every fever or runny nose if your child has been infected with something that the vaccine compliant parents of the world needn't worry with.  But I am not strong enough to stand firm against ever vaccinating, I compromise by delaying immunization vaccines as long as possible, rationalizing that the older my children are, the more apt their immune systems would be to metabolize the bombardment of components in the vaccines they were given.  This is not to say that I didnt struggle, because believe me I did.  Every check up, every encounter with my parents and Inlaws.  I was vaccinated, my husband had been vaccinated, why was I bucking the norm?  Who was I to try and reinvent the wheel?  Their concerns did not fall of deaf ears, I got it, I really did, but i had read a book during my first pregnancy that had opened my eyes to the possibility of the negative side effects of vaccines...well, two books actually,and imagine how appalled my friends and family were to find that I was basing this huge decision on the account I read from not a doctor or scientist but the quirky, crude, and certainly nonacademic tv personality, Jenny McCarthy.  Something about her account and experience felt both genuine and foreboding.  At the end of the day maternal instincts are the most valuable tool at our disposal.  The books prompted me to begin my own research and in 2006, before the world was at our fingertips on our phones I was up late into the night reading everything I could.  I was assured by doctors time and again to vaccinate, however I knew I would never forgive myself if I shut down that voice within me that begged that I think it through, and God forbid unimaginable had happened as a result .

Back to my conversation with a new mother in the year 2018.  She has been following a strict suggested immunization schedule, again not without feeling the same nagging concerns I think we all really feel given the information available to us now, but weighing all of the information available and taking into account the professional opinions of their trusted physicians and health professional friends,  she and her husband decided that the classic immunization schedule was the right choice for them.  It wasnt until chronic ear infections had paved the way to an ent specialist, when she was staring down the barrel of the "ear tubes" gun that the inspiration for this pros was born.  It's not even rare that children that experience frequent ear infections have to get tubes to aid in the drainage of their sinuses, but being the diligent and concerned parent that she is this young woman did some researching and found that some parents were able to stop the infections by seeing a chiropractor so naturally she took her child to see if she could circumvent the traditional fate of tubes.  She happened to call me after the appointment (I suggest you follow her blog to find out if the treatment was successful, there is a link in the references at the end of this article to the "life with Bristyl" blog) and told me that her chiropractor was anti vaccine and had given her a flyer.  I asked that she please send it to me and she did (see attached photo).  This flyer has ignited something within me.  I always resist the urge to banter on social media but often see the posts pleading with parents to immunize.  I never post my opinions, if someone wants my opinion they can ask directly and I'll respond as honestly as I can, but I cant help but notice that the government unabashedly stands behind the current immunization schedule and eagerly points a finger at anyone who raises an eyebrow and labels them in a round about way as an uneducated radical, I believe...wholeheartedly that there are exceptions to every rule.  That while an immunization may be completely safe for one baby that it is entirely possible that it is equally unsafe for another.

This little flyer has inspired me to dig into the specifics of just the questionable ingredients of the vaccines.  I intend to research just what is stated here and present the research what the CDC ( our authority on immunizations) has to say about them, I'll be doing this in several posts over the next few weeks, I will not be injecting my opinion at all but rather letting this flyer and the CDC statements speak for themselves.

Like I stated before, everyone has a right to make their own decisions and I dont think for a moment that there is a mother out there who makes a decision that intentionally puts their precious child at risk, but I think things on this issue tend to be very one sided and if you are interested (as I was) about the ingredients on this flyer I welcome you to read on, if you are not, please don't.  I'm not interested in a debate, if you have a blog that offers insight on the subject I would be glad to read it and to give my audience an opportunity to read it, just leave the link in the comments, I wish nothing more than for our readers to have all of the information available, not just one side but both. Knowledge is power.  Just please refrain from hostile comments or remarks we all know nothing productive is accomplished that way, we all want the s as me thing in the end, happy, healthy children.

Life with Bristyl blog 

http://lifewithbristyl.simplesite.com

checkpoint...mate

Lifes winding road has once again delivered me l checkpoint. Not much unlike the checkpoints us 80's babies (like myself) will remember from our Nintendo games.  A place where one hits save, and doesn't  have to struggle to conquer the levels they've  played before because the Nintendo God's  have deemed us worthy of advancement...well at least until someone erases the save.  For those of you that I have just shocked into the realization of middle age with my nostalgic metaphor I apologize, but the fact remains that the relavance and relatabililty of it all is something that simply cant be overlooked.

So often in my own "game" I delete these saves, I will replay the same levels, I'll battle the same "bosses" and come to these same checkpoints where im afforded the opportunity to save my progress and avoid the failures and frustrations from the preceeding level, however find myself deleting my progress and trying again because I feel there may have been something i missed.  Funny thing is, sure, I may collect some hidden tokens, I may get to indulge in some secret hidden level by ducking down the right pipe, but when it comes time to defeat the enemy the strategy is more often than not, nearly identical.  In theory all that I have done is proven that beating the level the first time was as good as it gets, sure there were interesting deterents but I had managed to level up the one correct way already so i find my self questioning why i didnt just honor my checkpoint.

I know it seems silly to compare valuable life lessons to an antiquaited version of a video game, but, is it really that different if you think about it?  Whether it be a poor choice in a relationship that yields the same outcome over and over again, or a professional folly that keeps you from advancing to the next level, it could be a life decision like reverting back to a behavior or substance that brought you down the first time,  it would seem that it is in our nature to repeat our mistakes until we are so wary of the game we just quit.  Im hear to say QUIT stop playing the level, quit when you have beat it. Save at your checkpoint and advance, you have earned it. Then if ,by some stroke of luck, you are faced with the same challenge or game boss, remember how you defeated it in the first place and defeat it the same way.  You've already learned how, you have already won.

Passing seasons

I write this now as I'm weeping in my bathroom whilst hiding from my children.  I can hear them in the living room. They are marveling at the gap in the front of Gages' mouth (my 6 year old) where his 2 front teeth used to reside and passing around the last of his two front milk teeth, examining it and appraising it, in an effort to guess what value the tooth fairy will think it has (they are very generous with their valuations).

This brand of weeping isn't new to me.   I've been here many times before.  Every time one of my babies lose a tooth. When they began to crawl, then walk, then talk.  The fist time they pottied on their own. I weep every time I packed the clothes they have outgrown up, or when I clean out their toy box's. When my eldest daughter questioned the existence Santa Clause after Christmas this past year.  I cried every time I passed the baby isle at the grocery store for the first time without any need for the products within it.

Yes I cry... I cry alot about my children growing up.  I embrace the beauty of their milestones passing and their blossoming into toddlerhood, the preschool phase, school age, and adolescence.  I'm grateful to God for their health and I know we are incredibly blessed. But I'm heartbroken because as they cross each of their developmental thresholds my life is forever changed.  I'm reminded at these times that they will not be my babies forever, that the days of their life prior to the milestone are written in a previous chapter, a chapter that cannot be edited or revised.  I think about my behavior and my involvement and interaction with them in the completed chapters and I am certain that I didn't take enough photographs.  I always feel that I spent too much time in my day to day to stop the clock for a moment longer and savor my babies. I worry I didn't give them enough of me, and that I didn't relish the best of what that particular stage in their life offered, and now it's too late and I can't go back.

Chloe loved her dress up dresses when she was little.  We couldn't get her to take them off or even wear clothes underneath them.  One day a very disturbing bump appeared on her head behind her ear.  We went to the doctor and he advised us this was a lymph node.  After a couple of weeks of putting hot compresses on her head to try and get rid of the hard, fixed knot under our pediatricians advisement we were back at his office testing for leukemia.  In the several days it took to get the blood results back we were told to continue with the compresses.  This was not an easy task for a squirmy and energetic three year old.  I would lay in bed with her head on my lap and look at her precious feet dangling off of the side of the bed, poking out from her tattered, yet treasued ballgown and I would pray for her health and vitality Knowing that that vision of her in that dress was forever going to be imprinted on my memory.  Chloe did not have leukemia and the knot dissapeared a week or so later. A year later Chloe still wore her princess gowns, although less often.  I has cleaned her room and organized everything and could not for the life get her to pick even one toy off of the floor and put it away. Slowly but surely I began grounding her from her toys and putting them in the garage until she could learn to care for them properly.  The princess dresses were the last to go.  By the time Chloe finally surrendered to picking her things up and putting them away thus earning her previous toys back she had outgrown the desire to be a princess all day, she was uninterested in her dresses and many of her other toys. Time had passed, she had matured, the chapter was closed but I had ended it too early.  I thought I was teaching her responsibility but what I was really doing was teaching her to play with other things and robbing myself of the privilege of watching her twirl around in princess gowns for a few moments longer.  For this I will never forgive myself.

Parenthood is riddled with these sorts of regrets.  I mourn the passing of the seasons of my children's lives but no more than I try to cherish them. Try as I might however I never feel adequate.

Gage will soon have two shiny permanent teeth in the gummy gap in the front of his mouth and I will secretly weep in the bathroom again in mourning of prior oral landscape, but now, now I'm mourning those little baby  teeth I loved so much. The baby teeth that brought me to tears when they first emerged and rid him of his toothless smile forever.  Oh its going to be a rough road ahead. How does anyone survive this!

Gage singing "I Cross My Heart."

 sweet angel fearlessly singing the song of his choice today at the talent show. A brave little kindergartner