Well much for carving out a little time to write! In my last post my baby, Bunny, had just turned one and in September we celebrated her fourth birthday. In the years that have passed since my last post I was blessed with a new baby. Sophia (Sophie trophy) was born in April of 2013 and we will be celebrating the second year of her precious life this April. We have moved, started a new business and grown so much as a family I have never felt more secure in my husbands and I's relationship. And there you have the sugar coated condensed version of our going ons.
Truth be told it's been a rough ride. The news of Sophia's coming wasn't ideal, we were still getting a handle on three children, none of which had begun school yet, in fact, I was all set to start homeschooling Princess Coconut just a few months from the time I learned of Sophia's soul. My pregnancy was a rough one, to put it lightly. Wretched morning sickness that lasted all day and night and everyday of the nine months I carried her, constipation so gripping it would have stopped anyone in their tracks and anemia that made me feel like I was perpetually on sleeping pills. In addition all three children were home full time, we moved, I was homeschooling a kinder gardener and my Husband was relying heavily on me to hold up the accounting end of our new concrete contracting business. I really held out little hope that our marriage would survive and had my bags packed on several occasions, ready to throw in the towel. It was all too much. I don't know if it's true of all marriages but it's certainly been the case in ours, that pregnancy is tough stuff. Russell and I were less than great with the three pregnancies prior, but this one was the perfect storm. Things were so bad I was even having a hard time remembering ever feeling happy together, it was like a big black cloud that encapsulated us entirely. I couldn't see through it, or behind it. He was so caught up in work and providing for us that he had completely blinded himself to my misery, and I in turn, was so caught up in my misery, fears, and child raising (and child growing! ), that I was blind to the stress an burdens he himself was carrying. As I'm typing this, i think I'm finally reconciling it, thank the good Lord I wasn't posting during my angst because this surely would have sounded different!
Our problems during my pregnancy with my precious Sophia began from the start. The day that store bought pregnancy test turned positive we were faced with fears we never thought we would ever have to look in the face. After bunny was born I encountered severe complication. All of my babies have been cesarean births, and she was my third surgery. unbeknownst To my doctors (still perplexing to me) i had developed what is call a "placental accreta", the ends and outs of this remain somewhat mysterious but the basics of it are that my placenta had attached to the weakened scar of my uterus had actually grown all the way through my uterus and attached to my bladder so when they went in for Annabella my uterus was so thin they could see her hair before they even opened me up. Bella was healthy and happy and until I was convulsions in the recovery room with my blood pressure rapidly dropping, still paralyzed from the waist down from my spinal block I had no idea what kind of trouble I was in. The nurses were thrusting on my abdomen saying it was probably a blood clot, then the Dr came in, she looked as if she had seen a ghost. "We have some internal bleeding, and this could get very serious very quickly" she went on to explain that she had tried her best to stich me back together but my uterus was falling apart it had been so weakened, if the bleeding didn't stop it was back to surgery for a hysterectomy which would be very serious as I still had a pregnant woman's blood flow and performing the surgery would offer a very scary risk of bleeding out. So MRIs, and ultrasound s, and CT scan s commenced, followed by blood transfusions, miraculously I clotted and the bleeding stopped. When the Dr walked in the following morning with tears and a sincere embrace , she exclaimed "you did it! Your alive! " but she continued, "no more babies, your uterus won't hold up to it, we contended that russell would have a vasectomy and all would be right as rain. Well slowly but surely I recovered and life returned to the beautiful chaos it had always been, plus one sweet bella. Russell and I revisited that terrible scare only rarely, like on bunnies birthday, but either of us ever forgot I was not to conceive again we took every precaution possible without a procedure But just a few weeks before Bellas second birthday on August 14, 2012 I took a test and the blue plus sign lit up like a candle before I could even cap the test stick and lay it down. This was the most terrifying thing I had ever seen, this first indicator of precious new life. Instantly my mind and heart flooded with gripping fear. What was I to do?! My three children, would I survive this? Could I? The anxiety was so overwhelming I had to surrender to faith and after much praying and soul searching and weighing the morality of the option I had other than to proceed with faith, i decided, no matter the prognosis, no matter risks I would carry this baby, if anything were to happen to this little soul, it would be by the hand of God alone. This decision was a personal one and instantly strained my relationship with Russell. "Your other children need you too", where would it leave him if he had 4 children and no mother for them, or what if the pregnancy was doomed and the baby and I both perished. Really really tough stuff. When we met with the ob, armed with fear and research and questions she supported my stand on the pregnancy and said that until 18 weeks we couldn't have any idea where the placenta may attach and termination at that point for both I and my husband was completely out of the question nearly halfway to delivery. I wish I could say we got a great report after that first sonogram but we didn't. The placenta had attached to the front of my uterus, but at that time was still up higher than the weakened tissue from this point forward we would not know any more about how it would grow, apparently these things progress and until they open you up, they don't even know what to expect. So the fear of bleeding out on the table or my uterus rupturing were not the least bit alleviated and so it would remain until they wheeled me in, full term with a healthy baby to operate.
That morning as my step daughter arrived to watch the other children while we headed off to welcome Sophia. Russell and I couldn't hardly even speak. Neither one of us wanting to expel the horrific fears lingering on our hearts. I kissed and hugged my babies praying that it wouldn't be the last time I ever saw them. So very scared. I can pinpoint the moment when I remembered Russell was my great love for the first time in nearly a year. It was a moment that was all ours when our eyes magically zapped all of unspeakable emotions to each other. Moments before they took me away from him to prepare me for surgery and administer anesthesia. He flooded with tears and told me how much he loved me and said it was going to be fine trying to convince the both of us, i wouldn't see him again until I was opened on the operating table and it was do or die. And i wanted him with me, I suddenly saw so clearly that he was my kindred soul and that he too was in excruciating pain. That for the first time since that plus sign lit up, that he was right there with me. God is so good, I was so overcome with love during the surgery I wasn't afraid, i was blessed to share this moment with him that magical moment sophia would come into this world, a moment we shared 3 times before and changed ever thing every time, I think we both resolved to embrace that moment above fear. And we did. Little Sophia was perfect. She was instantly worth every excruciating moment, she was one of us. By the greatness of God the placenta had attached just above the weak spot and had not grown into it. There were no alarms, no transfusions and I was introducing to my older babies that very evening, lighter one infant and a million pounds of fear.
That was a new beginning for Russell and i. Not that we didn't still argue sometimes even to the point of wanting to once again throw in the proverbial Towel, but we had been to the dark side, we had immerged triumphant we had hope.
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