Bianca stood motionless as the casket was lowered into the ground. Her 13 year old body slouched and teary eyes cast down, fixed, on the wooden box containing her mothers remains. She could feel the occasional comforting stroke of her hair, or rub on her back but she was paralyzed. The days, weeks, months leading up to this funeral had prepared her for her mothers death but not for this, not for the finality of this burial. A part of her felt relief. relieved that the suffering was over, relieved that the dread of her actually passing was gone. All that was left after the relief was emptiness, not sadness so much, sadness had become a way of life sadness was Bianca's normal, she couldn't remember happiness. Just emptiness, a void that had been filled with dread and fear. A void she was unsure how to fill, that void was paralyzing her. "Bianca" her father softly spoke in her ear, "let's go home", this jarred her from her thoughts for a moment, she blew a kiss to her mothers coffin "I love you momma, I'm glad your not hurting anymore. Good bye" she choked out through tears as her father guided her away with his hand on the small of her back, "I'll take care of our girl Elaine, you did a wonderful job with her but I've got it from here." Her father spoke not to the ground but to the sky and with an determined and torchured tone.
The ride home was quiet. Bianca looked at her father. His face was fixed in a slight frown and he wasn't blinking under his tortoise shell glasses. He was so handsome, Bianca felt that she had aged 20 years because of the ordeal, but her father looked the same as he had in her parents wedding photographs 15 years before, not like widowed 38 year old man. The car swerved slightly and a car in the lane next to them laid on the horn. Bianca's father jumped, shook his head and uttered "snap out of it Shane" before looking over at Bianca, "sorry baby, was lost in my thoughts", "Bianca, I...I don't know what to say or do right now, I don't know how to be comforting. If you could tell me what your feeling it would really help me out." Bianca tilted her head thoughtfully "I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know either dad, it's ok for us just to not talk right now, don't worry." Shane forced a small sympathetic smile onto his chisold face and swept his dark hair that had grown a little too long in the last month off of his glasses before puckering his lips an letting out an awkward puff of a sigh followed by a sharp sort of gasp like inhale. He's trying not to cry Bianca thought to herself, and she appreciated that, because she had no tears left and couldn't have joined him, and had no comforts of her own to offer up, that small tell was enough to conjure a lump in her thought despite of her absence of tears. "Fucking cancer" Shane said. This profanity coming from him sounded strangely normal, he never swore but, Yes, thought Bianca, cancer, fucking cancer. it felt good to swear at it even if it was only in her mind.
Walking into the house was eerie. Elaine and Shane were the only children of their parents who were only children, and both sets of Biancas grandparents had passed away. Bianca had seen movies where the homes of people that had died were bustling with black clad mourners with casseroles and condolences, this however was not the case for her. Shane was her only family now and her mother, Elaine, had been so sick, so long that her family pretty much withdrew to themselves. The few acquaintances that had attended her mothers funeral were several people from Shane's office, the home healthcare nurse that cared for her mother the last month or so, June Bettles, Biancas best friend and neighbor and June's mother April. The house was clean and smelled of bleach with a hint of some lavender air freshener, the two fragrances mixed together in the most putrid way. Bianca and Shane had spent the last few nights in a hotel, it was too difficult to stay in the house after Elaine finally faded out completely. The company that provided the hospital bed and monitors that Elaine was using had come and retrieved the equipment and Mrs. Bettles had come to clean the house while they were away. Both Shane and Bianca stood in the entryway silent for what felt like hours before Shane finally turned to Bianca "now is as good a time as any" he shrugged cautiously gauging Bianca's reaction. Bianca nodded and ventured into the kitchen and Shane followed.
"June said Mrs. Bettles put our mail on top of the microwave..." Bianca walked straight to over to retrieve "bills...some survey..a card from the funeral home and a people magazine..." she thumbed through the people magazine trying to act natural, "let's see what the better half are up to..." Elaine had always said that when she opened up her magazine, bianca hadnt meant to say it fot it was just a force of habit. Bianca turned to look at her father frightened she had upset him by saying it. Shane was standing at the door of the guest room where her mother had stayed. He had one hand on the door frame and his head on his arm. He was sobbing quietly. Bianca put the mail down and walked over to join him.
The room was empty with exception of a night stand and the 4x6 glossy prints of their family taped all around. Bianca had known the bed and equipment would be gone but hadn't really thought of what the room would look like without it, it was bigger than she had remembered. On top of the nightstand was a lamp that had been in their house for as long as Bianca could rember, and a worn copy of people magazine. Bianca headed straight for the nightstand as if she was being summoned by some unseen force and pulled open the only drawer. Inside was her mother's pale pink terrycloth robe and fuzzy yellow socks. Bianca snatched the robe up and buried her face in it. The smell of her mother filled her nose and like a punch to her gutt, brought her to her knees. The tears she thought could not any longer come, came, and came with such force the sobs stole her breath away. Choking and sobbing Bianca sobbed into the robe, she felt the terrycloth tug under her hands and raised her head to find Shane sobbing into the opposite end of the garment. "It smells like her, someday nothing will smell like her anymore, I want to remember her smell." Bianca cried. "You will, baby," Shane replied wearily, "she smelled like love."
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